I recall three meaningful events that started my return journey as an active member to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I began having a continuing thought pop in my head, I asked for a blessing, and I also started receiving messages from my ward for the first time in decades — all from out of the blue. The timeline of my path is not linear or well defined as many key moments overlapped or happened simultaneously. I’ve done my best to relate the events as similarly as I experienced them.
At the time of this story, I’d been living happily as a gay man for 35 years since I came out at 18 years old. I’d not given the church, or the gospel, much thought since I left because it was contrary to my lifestyle. I was raised in the church from birth and decided to leave considering there was no room to be gay and a member of the church in 1980. To be gay was to be excommunicated, and it was taught that being gay was wrong and an abomination. While at BYU, I spoke to my bishop for help about my feelings, and at his recommendation, I started snapping my wrist with a rubber band to change my thinking about men. At the same time, I was feeling pressure and worried about going on a mission since I would be turning 19 the coming summer. I felt different from other guys and I was concerned that my feelings would be exposed — that I would be too attracted to my companions. After a couple of months of a red, sore wrist and continued feelings for guys, I decided I had to be true to myself and wanted to learn who that was. So I left the church.
Needless to say, I was caught off guard at the age of 55 to suddenly be wondering about and hearing from the church. At the time of these meaningful events, I was going through a difficult and challenging period in my life. I had lost and ended the majority of my friendships several years earlier because I left the party scene, causing me to be rather lonely. My job of 10 years was eliminated and I found myself in the job market without an understanding or skills to conduct a search. And my 29 year relationship with the man I considered my soul mate was falling apart due to addiction.
I attended Al-anon meetings regularly for years and had fostered a non-denominational spiritual practice as part of my program. I prayed and meditated daily. I chose to pray to God, in the name of Jesus Christ, because it’s what I was taught at home and in church growing up and something I still believed deep inside of me. I know without a doubt that God heard my prayers for help and I see His loving hand in my path back to the gospel.
Looking back at my time away from the church, I came to realize that even though I left the church that wouldn’t have me, and that I felt rejected, I still believed the core teachings of God and Jesus Christ. I was unaware that it lived in my subconscious and it was not something I actively pondered.
I remember the first time the thought “you should check out what’s going on with the church” came to mind from out of the blue. It seemed so random and I wondered why it was coming up after not giving the church any thought for years. Of course I pushed it aside thinking it was a passing reflection and did nothing about it. The same thought continued to show up on occasion over the next year or so.
Around the same time, I’d started receiving email messages periodically from Mark, the High Priest Group Leader from the local ward. I would read them but never engaged. Eventually, I replied with an explanation that I was gay and didn’t feel I would be welcome at church to hopefully get off the mailing list and to also test the waters. This didn’t deter Mark, he continued to reach out to me, inviting me to events and befriending me, regardless of what I had shared with him.
During this same year, I was visiting my brother Rick and his family. Having unexpectedly lost my job and not familiar with conducting a search, I was highly anxious. Rick and I went for a drive and I was asking his advice about my situation. During our conversation, he shared his experience about the ways in which the Holy Ghost has helped him through job challenges in the past. It impressed me. And I also felt it was not possible for me since I wasn’t an active member of the church. I enjoyed the rest of my visit and got ready to say my goodbyes before leaving, when all of a sudden I blurted out “will you please give me a blessing?” Up to this point, I’d completely forgotten about the existence of blessings and was shocked at what had come out of my mouth. And was also convicted in my request. Of course Rick was happy to oblige. We went to a private room with his wife Michelle, and he bestowed a blessing on me. I was so overcome and overwhelmed with a feeling of comfort. My tears flowed uncontrollably and my heart was full. I am forever grateful for this meaningful and touching blessing from my brother and the love I felt from my Heavenly Father.
One night I attended an Al-anon meeting where an acquaintance mentioned that a guy in our meeting was a Mormon bishop. Because this was a gay Al-anon meeting, I found his comment to be highly unlikely. I reached out to the “bishop” — who I will call Mike — to meet with him and talk about what I’d heard. I came to find out that indeed he was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and openly gay. And in fact, he had served as Ward Clerk in his ward. I was completely blown away that one could be openly gay and be active in the church. Mike also told me about an ongoing LDS LGBTQ ally fireside happening in the near future and invited me to go. I nervously agreed and made plans to meet him at the event a week later.
I honestly vacillated about actually going to the fireside since it would be the first time I’d be around church members in decades and I wouldn’t know anyone there except my acquaintance, Mike. I finally decided to go and once I was there, I received a message from Mike that he wasn’t going to be able to make it. I panicked. But I decided to stay, found a seat, and listened to the speaker. Even though I felt out of place and uncomfortable being there alone, I decided to hang out for a few minutes afterward. I mean, who could pass up all those desserts? After saying hello to a couple of people, I met Kamla and Amy. They were so warm and friendly and put me at ease. I learned Kamla was a member of the Sunset Ward and Amy was the girlfriend of Kamla’s close friend Ruth. After a lovely chat, and at the end of the night, Kamla offered to exchanged contact information with me in case I had any questions.
As I sat for a while with all that had been happening and as I continued to wonder what’s going on with the church, I replied to one of Mark’s emails. I asked him for information about the local ward and for a contact from whom I could learn about current church views and policies. I was given the bishop’s number and I scheduled time to meet with him.
My first of two meetings with Ajay was foreign and nerve-wracking. It consisted of me asking a lot of questions about the church’s views and policies about being gay. I truly wanted to understand what had changed in the years I’d been away. Ajay was kind and warm and I was impressed by the way in which he shared details with me. He explained the information I wanted to understand factually, without interpretation or judgement. For this I am extremely grateful. It provided me the space to ponder, to work out in my mind, and to fully grasp what I was learning. I gave our conversation much thought the following week and when I met with Ajay a second time, I shared more questions and confirmed with him my understanding of the policies. It was during this discussion that I realized what coming back to the church meant for me — the many available blessings and also the things I would need to commit to and change. It was also during this meeting where I experienced the spirit profoundly. I was overcome with emotion from the great love and confirmation I felt, and as tears streamed down my face, Ajay pointed out the strength of the spirit in the room. I’m so grateful he did and for the lesson he taught me about recognizing it. I knew without a doubt that I was on the right path and that I was being led back to the gospel. This meeting is one of my most treasured and significant spiritual experiences and a turning point in my journey.
After contemplating what I had learned in my meetings with Ajay, I committed to becoming an active member again. I started my reintegration journey slowly, starting first by attending Sacrament Meeting only. I contacted Kamla to ask to meet her there and have someone I knew by my side. I can’t tell you how comforting it was to have a friend in a chapel full of strangers. She kindly answered questions for me and after my first meeting, generously introduced me to several other LGBTQ ally members in our ward with whom I became fast friends. I slowly attended additional meetings and events over time while also changing my life to live the gospel fully.
Over the next year as I attended meetings, the messages from almost every Sacrament Meeting talk seemed to be specifically directed at me. I recall two that made quite an impression on me, one spoke about being a pioneer and the other told me “you’re in the right place.” I could be seen wiping my tears at almost every Sacrament meeting because I felt so much love and care from my Heavenly Father.
I am eternally grateful for God’s love and for the spiritual guidance and promptings I received to once again include the gospel in my life. I’m grateful for the atonement of our Savior that made it possible to repent and renew my baptismal covenants. I’m grateful for the love and generosity of every one of my sisters and brothers who helped me along my journey. I’m grateful for the peace and joy I now experience in my life and for the significant spiritual experiences I’ve been privileged to have in the temple. I find great comfort being a member of my ward and this church because of the unity and love I have not found elsewhere. I’m very grateful to have renewed my knowledge of the plans of eternal life and salvation and the comfort it brought me while grieving the death of my life partner, Loren, a few years ago. I’m grateful to strive to be a disciple of Christ while also learning to honor the gay man I’ve been blessed to be.
I know God and Jesus Christ live and that they know us and love us. I know love is my answer. I have a testimony that love and kindness is the best missionary work, having been a recipient of it first-hand. Being seen and loved is the greatest gift I received. I have no doubt I’m in the right place and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church.
I bear my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
