I stopped going to church around June 2017. In my mind, religion didn’t make sense anymore. After I came home from my mission, I ran into a lady who invited me into her home. She lived in Kansas. She asked if I was from Utah, and I replied, “Yes.” Then she bore her testimony that she knew the Book of Mormon was true and that her church was the true church. I had felt the same way when I thought I knew the church was true. After she was done bearing her testimony, she turned to me and said “I’m a member of the Community of Christ.”
I paused and thought to myself, that must not have been the Spirit that spoke to her. I believed that we could only receive answers that our church was true. I was confused and assumed this woman who told me about her faith didn’t have the right answer. This experience occurred in 2010, and I shrugged it off without really thinking about it.
Then another question arose in 2013 in regards to “Race and the Priesthood,” a statement from the First Presidency. I had a hard time knowing what was considered doctrine. That was because past prophet Brigham Young and the current First Presidency both stated that they had revelations from God on the matter, yet what they said was contradictory.
I set these concerns aside until I started to read Rough Stone Rolling as well as the Joseph Smith Papers in 2015. As I continued to read, I developed more and more questions that were not being resolved. I wasn’t sure if I knew the church was true.
I felt like I had previously had a very strong testimony, beginning at the age fourteen. I went to youth conference on my 14th birthday. On the night of my birthday, June 27th, the same day on which Joseph Smith was martyred, we had a testimony meeting. I felt something different for the first time in my life. It was a warm, peaceful feeling. That was the first instance I can recall as I gained a testimony.
Shortly thereafter, I asked God if the Church and the Book of Mormon were true. Following that experience I continued to very active in the church and I served a two-year mission. After returning home, I was also very active and found my lovely wife in 2013. We were married in the temple and soon had our first child.
The reason I want to relate my circumstances is to share how much love I had for the church. When I decided to stop going to church because I wasn’t sure whether it was true, I was disappointed in how some members responded. They said I wasn’t praying hard enough, or I wasn’t paying my tithing, or I just wanted to sin, and so on.
At this point in my life I had a lot to lose if I stopped attending. I wasn’t sure how my wife would take it. I felt like I was putting my marriage on the line, but I couldn’t continue behaving in a manner inconsistent with my character. I just didn’t know if the church was true. After I told my wife I didn’t know if the church was true, she told me she stilled loved me and said, “We can work though our differences.” I was surprised and very grateful, recognizing it was very hard for her to hear that from me.
In addition, my sister was getting married. I decided not to attend the temple because I was uncomfortable with my uncertainty about God’s presence there. At the time I lived in Syracuse, UT. I had just stopped attending church, but one of the members still talked to me. His name was Andrew Allison. Brother Allison spent a lot of time with me discussing questions I had regarding the church. He was very open-minded, which I admired. It seemed to be rare among the older generation and I had a great appreciation for that. We became very well acquainted and established a friendship over the time we spent meeting with one another.
During my trial of faith, I continued to pray. In frustration, I kept praying and asking God if he existed. I asked God on many occasions but I didn’t receive any clear answer that would motivate me to go back to church. I’d like to add that none of the scriptures, neither the New Testament, Old Testament, nor any Christian nor other religious texts made sense to me. They all demonstrated myriad contradictions and problems with authorship, time frames and text.
I continued the battle to find God and religion. All I wanted was to know. I would do whatever it took to know if He existed. I prayed for Him to send a messenger like an angel to tell me the church was true and whether God existed. I didn’t get an answer like that and I continued down a road with no answers to the questions in my mind. In addition, I asked God to help me get a job. I ended up with a better job, but I was too stubborn to see that as an answer to prayer.
I decided to pray about two specific questions which I had not shared with anyone else. One of these questions had to do with my patriarchal blessing, which discusses having an open mind and open heart. That night in my sleeping hours, revelation came to my mind that would help many others come under my influence. I decided that if God would send me an angel or messenger within the specific context I had asked about, then this would satisfy my heart and mind and I would know the church was true and that He existed. Then I waited a few days and received no answer.
In my frustration I turned to my wife. I also thought, with a bit of sarcasm, that maybe Brother Allison would have my answer. I kept that impression in the back of my mind. Shortly thereafter, I received a message from Brother Allison saying he had a message for me.
I went to Brother Allison’s house that Friday. He said it was a personal message and that he wanted to talk to me alone. We walked upstairs in the Allison home, where there was a library and a little bed. He pulled the pillows off the bed and laid them down on the ground. He looked at me and said, “We are going to pray together. I will give the prayer.” I was a little nervous and didn’t know what to expect. I thought to myself, it’s interesting that he said he had a message after what took place last night.
After Brother Allison was done praying, he sat down and said, “Okay, let’s get down to business.” He held a bunch of flash cards. He said the messenger that came to him was from Jesus Christ. He said that he would go over the harder things that he didn’t understand with me, but that God had asked him specifically to convey the message that the Lord was disappointed in me because I did not take the tithing and my job as answers. He mentioned that he knew what was in my heart. I had prayed in my car specifically for help with my job and felt that if I paid my tithing the Lord would help me get that job. Jesus had directed me to be humble and not to ask Him to take my life in order to see Him. Afterward, I wondered how Brother Allison could know about those prayers. He couldn’t know. No one could. He also answered the specific questions I had about my patriarchal blessing, which said that I would receive revelation in my sleeping hours to help many people who would come under my influence. That was in the prayer I gave to God, asking Him to reveal if the church was true. Brother Allison also answered the second question that I asked God, which had to do with the priesthood.
I had more questions. “How about the First Vision?”
Brother Allison said, “God sees all of us.”
Then it made sense in my heart and in my mind. All of a sudden, everything became blurry. It seemed like a thick cloud in my mind. It was probably the Veil. The First Vision made sense to me in that moment. I do have some recollection from when the veil was removed, but I can’t put it into words. I then felt I could understand Joseph’s experience with the First Vision. When Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ, he knew that he did but he couldn’t recollect the complete experience at the first recording. After he wrote it down the first time, he continued until his recollection became even more clear. What actually took place during that time when he God the Father and the Son made a lot more sense to me. It would be hard to describe a completely different world with more advanced language and technology.
Here are a couple things that still confuse me about the history of the church. The Book of Abraham and the Book of Moses are still a mystery to me. I’m still confused about all the religions in the world, but I can’t deny the answer that I received. I’d be kind of stupid to do that. The odds are ridiculous. God answered both of my questions in context, and additional concerns as well. I received about eight different answers to things that there was really no way anybody would have known. On top of that, I understand that humans created scripture to a degree and that none of the scriptures claim to be perfect, not even the Book of Mormon. It says it’s the most correct, but it doesn’t say it’s perfect.
With that in mind, I recognize that there are mistakes the prophets have made, but we need to have respect and we need to pray and try to get a better understanding for ourselves. We should try to align our emotions with our logic, which is our mind, in unity and in revelation. God lifts things up while Satan destroys. If you look at all scripture and all different things in that way, you’ll have a better understanding. That was the counsel that was given to me, and it instructs me about how I should view scripture. Some of it might be a little bit deep. Scriptures are one instrument and prophets are another instrument. Prayers are yet another instrument. In my mind, there are very few things that are canonic scripture. I feel there are some primary things that surely make people better. Some examples would be charity and chastity. The rest of scripture has variable meaning in my mind. I don’t take it lightly, but I won’t be disappointed if I don’t perceive it correctly or even if the prophet doesn’t perceive it correctly, because we’re all here to learn.
Part of the purpose of this life is for each one of us to have faith and to be tested. God does call the prophets. Prophets can only intervene to a certain degree and so they have to put forth as much clarity and effort as they can to teach the world. They are instruments and they will help you in your life as long as you listen to them. Most of the time they tell you to pray about what they say and to study it out in your mind and heart. It is your responsibility as an individual to do so, and when you do those things then you’ll realize that we’re all in this together. When the prophet says something, you have to think about it. You have to ponder it. You have to pray about it. If it’s something that’s hard and you don’t understand it at first, then it is your moral obligation to figure out if what the prophet said is accurate. They are only here to guide you to the best of their ability. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to them, but it means that it’s your responsibility to understand them. Generally, they are right.
You will be judged according to what you understand. Someone else may understand differently. We don’t fully understand things like blacks and the priesthood or homosexuality. If God tells you something in your heart and mind when you get down on your knees and you study it out, even if it differs from what the prophet says, just carry on in faith. It’s not your place to correct the church. It is your place to figure out how to understand God. He gives you instruments and sometimes those instruments depend on us to work them.
