A Whole New Feeling: Relief and Rewards
How are we to make sense of the dramatic moments that punctuate the more normal and expected growth in the journey of reconversion?
Whereas many people experience a new unfolding of iterative learning, growth and experience following the initial narrative-disrupting moments discussed earlier, it would be a mistake to characterize subsequent growth as all linear and gradual. Long after the substantial, earlier shifts – and alongside the more routine growth experiences – there is another group of interesting moments reported when people will just wake up with a new feeling or realization that is a stark, 180 degree shift from where they were before.
This can range from discovering interest, desire, and faith anew – to a rapid receding of anger, hatred and doubt – even “snatched” to use Alma’s telling word, from a feeling that had possessed them for many years. Although rapid, these shifts are not always necessarily dramatic – and can also be experienced as fresh feelings that distill on people’s souls and come into people’s awareness suddenly.
Let’s begin with examples of painful, heavy, hard things suddenly removed from people’s shoulders.
BURDENS LIFTED
Raquel Cook remarked, “you know how in life, you might have two or three pivotal experiences on which your existence hinges?” Then she recounted an experience that happened while on a hike in India, adding, “It’s kind of cliché to say this happened in India. It could have happened in Des Moines, Iowa…The geography is purely coincidental.” She continues:
I was sitting up at this ledge area called Triund and I remember a very physical feeling. It was very peaceful and very quiet, except for the wind. I remember the distinct feeling of a burden lifting off of my whole soul and blowing away. I remember, after feeling that, walking over and standing at the edge of a cliff and fully, with my whole heart and mind, believing that if I were to jump off that cliff I would fly. That’s how light I felt.
Reflecting on that moment she said, “That feeling only lasted about twelve seconds, but I do remember that as a pivot…. it was that breeze washing away that heaviness that made me decide that I was going to stop being angry and go back to activity.”
She then quickly added, “I don’t think that it’s the only pivot” – noting “I do think there were multiple experiences that brought me together.” (17)
In so many narratives, it’s clear there is an interplay between people’s choices and some of the blessings they receive, like a sense of peace or a sense that God loves them. Although there’s no formula for it, there’s a nice interplay between our choices and God’s help.
CURED OF HATRED
Dusty describes feeling at some point in his journey back that the hatred he previously felt for the Church had begun to ebb. (3) And Joe Tippets similarly describes a point he realized, “All of this past resentment I had previously felt about God’s absence simply wasn’t there. The old fear I had felt about leading my family in a bad direction wasn’t there.” (34)
In other cases, it’s not angst and burden lifted – as much as wonderful, sweet things are restored.
PEACE AGAIN
Pam Shorr spoke of the surprising blessing that had come to her family since returning to the Church, but especially one: “There is a peace in our home. I always have the neighborhood book group at our house, and the members of the group say that there is always such a neat spirit here.”
This has rippled throughout her relationships as well. Referring to her return, Pam continued, “I think that it has blessed Jack and blessed our marriage. Maybe it’s blessed him to be patient with me. I’m learning things every day about that. The gospel has blessed my children and my ability to communicate with them.” (18)
After witnessing, “The Great Creator can make us into whatever he wants of us. If we move ourselves in slightest right direction he will take it and he’ll magnify it for our good,” Tina Richerson adds, “I feel like I’ve been blessed to be at such peace about this. I have this incredible relationship with the Lord and with the Spirit. I’m just so peaceful. Peaceful! Joyful! I will take the gifts of the Spirit over the gifts of the flesh any day of the week. I’m all about it.”
She continues:
My mind is more sharp and more clear about what I want to do. It is evident to me that in the past two years God has been directing and guiding my footsteps. I’m blessed with a peace. When I read the scriptures, I’m given revelation on what the Lord wants me to do. I am given the courage and the confidence and the strength to live my life. The Lord has also changed me physically and mentally to be able to do this. I can go to the temple now. I can go to the temple and do the work for my ancestors, which is just such an amazing blessing and get help from the other side. I have full access to all the mysteries of the kingdom of God. If that isn’t a blessing, there isn’t one. I have the reassurance given through the Holy Ghost. I live an abundant life. The blessing of knowing that at any moment I have access to divine energy is just awesome.
Tina adds:
I know who I am now. I know who I am. I’ll tell you what – one of the biggest blessings is saying, “I’m a homosexual and I’m a daughter of God. The Lord loves me and there’s a work to be done, brother and sisters. There’s a mighty, mighty work to be done and it’s called building up Zion.”
THE FIRE AWAKENS
Don Bradley described his faith being regained and restored in the validity of religious experience and the Church’s own good works. On a particular day in 2015, Dusty also woke up with his testimony “alive and strong” – as he put it, “In my mind, I could see the Lord, and He walks up to me and says, ‘Okay, I have kept your testimony warm and safe. This time take care of it.’”
Dusty recalls the Lord cupping His hands around the testimony and placing it on his heart. “He held it like a living thing when He gave it back to me. [And I realized that] it is a living thing, and if you don’t feed it and nourish it and nurture it, it will die.” (3)
Christian describes a mighty change that happened in his own life, where he encountered the divine so poignantly he came away feeling like a “man on fire.” The difference was “stark” – the whole world seemed different, the way that I viewed other people was different.” He came away feeling “this is what the Holy Ghost is like.” (40)
Elaine similarly noted, “My reconversion has changed everything for me, needless to say.” (12)
RELENTLESS
Referring back to a turning point moment where he felt God’s presence poignantly, Kevin reflected, “I know two things about God. Number one I know that He is there that was given to me and number two, I know that He loves me.”
Rather than an abstraction, Kevin says that witness of God’s watch-care continues, “on and on” in a very practical way. “He’s giving me these things that He knows I need, so the need level’s taken care of right?” As he summarizes, “He’s really willing to give us things for our business, things for house, things for our kids. He’s been very willing to answer prayers lately for the last year and a half.
Kevin is struck that blessings come even beyond his immediate needs – leading him to feel “beyond blessed more than in my entire life” in recent years. “I don’t even know where to start– where we’re just like, “Are you kidding me? Really? You’re going to be this nice?” Even after experiencing great blessings, he continues, “but then he steps it up notch after notch to where sometimes He’ll just give me things because I just like things. I have lots of examples of that.” (38)
He goes on to acknowledge the “flip side”: times when the answers didn’t come – and “we didn’t get what we wanted.” As he describes it, “What was interesting about that is that I never felt that it was a sign of His love saying, ‘I don’t love you that much anymore.’ It was like I still felt gratitude. I still felt gratitude for all of the things He’d already done. I don’t feel like my relationship, or that love, was contingent on what I got, or the answer to the prayer but…[instead we respond to God] ‘Okay. No worries.’”
He continued:
We feel like all those blessings are just icing on the cake. We don’t know why. It’s really awesome that He’s been taking such good care of us and being so nice to us, but it wasn’t like that’s why we’re doing it, and maybe that’s the difference somehow we’ve learned. There’s something else there first. (38)
Something else first: something existing before the blessing showed up, and that motivated this family above and beyond those ultimate blessings. Call it love, or joy, or peace…once that shows up, it’s hard not to want to keep going. And as people do just that, the blessings keep rolling in.
As reflected above, the pathway of return involves more than just a gradual unfolding following the initial narrative disruptions. At some points along the way, people experience new passion, new peace, and new relief from burdens of anger, shame and despair – newness that can and does often arise suddenly.
Like a present on Christmas morning.
Whereas many people experience a new unfolding of iterative learning, growth and experience following the initial narrative-disrupting moments discussed earlier, it would be a mistake to characterize subsequent growth as all linear and gradual. Long after the substantial, earlier shifts – and alongside the more routine growth experiences – there is another group of interesting moments reported when people will just wake up with a new feeling or realization that is a stark, 180 degree shift from where they were before.
This can range from discovering interest, desire, and faith anew – to a rapid receding of anger, hatred and doubt – even “snatched” to use Alma’s telling word, from a feeling that had possessed them for many years. Although rapid, these shifts are not always necessarily dramatic – and can also be experienced as fresh feelings that distill on people’s souls and come into people’s awareness suddenly.
Let’s begin with examples of painful, heavy, hard things suddenly removed from people’s shoulders.
BURDENS LIFTED
Raquel Cook remarked, “you know how in life, you might have two or three pivotal experiences on which your existence hinges?” Then she recounted an experience that happened while on a hike in India, adding, “It’s kind of cliché to say this happened in India. It could have happened in Des Moines, Iowa…The geography is purely coincidental.” She continues:
I was sitting up at this ledge area called Triund and I remember a very physical feeling. It was very peaceful and very quiet, except for the wind. I remember the distinct feeling of a burden lifting off of my whole soul and blowing away. I remember, after feeling that, walking over and standing at the edge of a cliff and fully, with my whole heart and mind, believing that if I were to jump off that cliff I would fly. That’s how light I felt.
Reflecting on that moment she said, “That feeling only lasted about twelve seconds, but I do remember that as a pivot…. it was that breeze washing away that heaviness that made me decide that I was going to stop being angry and go back to activity.”
She then quickly added, “I don’t think that it’s the only pivot” – noting “I do think there were multiple experiences that brought me together.” (17)
In so many narratives, it’s clear there is an interplay between people’s choices and some of the blessings they receive, like a sense of peace or a sense that God loves them. Although there’s no formula for it, there’s a nice interplay between our choices and God’s help.
CURED OF HATRED
Dusty describes feeling at some point in his journey back that the hatred he previously felt for the Church had begun to ebb. (3) And Joe Tippets similarly describes a point he realized, “All of this past resentment I had previously felt about God’s absence simply wasn’t there. The old fear I had felt about leading my family in a bad direction wasn’t there.” (34)
In other cases, it’s not angst and burden lifted – as much as wonderful, sweet things are restored.
PEACE AGAIN
Pam Shorr spoke of the surprising blessing that had come to her family since returning to the Church, but especially one: “There is a peace in our home. I always have the neighborhood book group at our house, and the members of the group say that there is always such a neat spirit here.”
This has rippled throughout her relationships as well. Referring to her return, Pam continued, “I think that it has blessed Jack and blessed our marriage. Maybe it’s blessed him to be patient with me. I’m learning things every day about that. The gospel has blessed my children and my ability to communicate with them.” (18)
After witnessing, “The Great Creator can make us into whatever he wants of us. If we move ourselves in slightest right direction he will take it and he’ll magnify it for our good,” Tina Richerson adds, “I feel like I’ve been blessed to be at such peace about this. I have this incredible relationship with the Lord and with the Spirit. I’m just so peaceful. Peaceful! Joyful! I will take the gifts of the Spirit over the gifts of the flesh any day of the week. I’m all about it.”
She continues:
My mind is more sharp and more clear about what I want to do. It is evident to me that in the past two years God has been directing and guiding my footsteps. I’m blessed with a peace. When I read the scriptures, I’m given revelation on what the Lord wants me to do. I am given the courage and the confidence and the strength to live my life. The Lord has also changed me physically and mentally to be able to do this. I can go to the temple now. I can go to the temple and do the work for my ancestors, which is just such an amazing blessing and get help from the other side. I have full access to all the mysteries of the kingdom of God. If that isn’t a blessing, there isn’t one. I have the reassurance given through the Holy Ghost. I live an abundant life. The blessing of knowing that at any moment I have access to divine energy is just awesome.
Tina adds:
I know who I am now. I know who I am. I’ll tell you what – one of the biggest blessings is saying, “I’m a homosexual and I’m a daughter of God. The Lord loves me and there’s a work to be done, brother and sisters. There’s a mighty, mighty work to be done and it’s called building up Zion.”
THE FIRE AWAKENS
Don Bradley described his faith being regained and restored in the validity of religious experience and the Church’s own good works. On a particular day in 2015, Dusty also woke up with his testimony “alive and strong” – as he put it, “In my mind, I could see the Lord, and He walks up to me and says, ‘Okay, I have kept your testimony warm and safe. This time take care of it.’”
Dusty recalls the Lord cupping His hands around the testimony and placing it on his heart. “He held it like a living thing when He gave it back to me. [And I realized that] it is a living thing, and if you don’t feed it and nourish it and nurture it, it will die.” (3)
Christian describes a mighty change that happened in his own life, where he encountered the divine so poignantly he came away feeling like a “man on fire.” The difference was “stark” – the whole world seemed different, the way that I viewed other people was different.” He came away feeling “this is what the Holy Ghost is like.” (40)
Elaine similarly noted, “My reconversion has changed everything for me, needless to say.” (12)
RELENTLESS
Referring back to a turning point moment where he felt God’s presence poignantly, Kevin reflected, “I know two things about God. Number one I know that He is there that was given to me and number two, I know that He loves me.”
Rather than an abstraction, Kevin says that witness of God’s watch-care continues, “on and on” in a very practical way. “He’s giving me these things that He knows I need, so the need level’s taken care of right?” As he summarizes, “He’s really willing to give us things for our business, things for house, things for our kids. He’s been very willing to answer prayers lately for the last year and a half.
Kevin is struck that blessings come even beyond his immediate needs – leading him to feel “beyond blessed more than in my entire life” in recent years. “I don’t even know where to start– where we’re just like, “Are you kidding me? Really? You’re going to be this nice?” Even after experiencing great blessings, he continues, “but then he steps it up notch after notch to where sometimes He’ll just give me things because I just like things. I have lots of examples of that.” (38)
He goes on to acknowledge the “flip side”: times when the answers didn’t come – and “we didn’t get what we wanted.” As he describes it, “What was interesting about that is that I never felt that it was a sign of His love saying, ‘I don’t love you that much anymore.’ It was like I still felt gratitude. I still felt gratitude for all of the things He’d already done. I don’t feel like my relationship, or that love, was contingent on what I got, or the answer to the prayer but…[instead we respond to God] ‘Okay. No worries.’”
He continued:
We feel like all those blessings are just icing on the cake. We don’t know why. It’s really awesome that He’s been taking such good care of us and being so nice to us, but it wasn’t like that’s why we’re doing it, and maybe that’s the difference somehow we’ve learned. There’s something else there first. (38)
Something else first: something existing before the blessing showed up, and that motivated this family above and beyond those ultimate blessings. Call it love, or joy, or peace…once that shows up, it’s hard not to want to keep going. And as people do just that, the blessings keep rolling in.
As reflected above, the pathway of return involves more than just a gradual unfolding following the initial narrative disruptions. At some points along the way, people experience new passion, new peace, and new relief from burdens of anger, shame and despair – newness that can and does often arise suddenly.
Like a present on Christmas morning.
