Erica: How a Questioner Learned that She Belongs and Can Thrive in the Church

Since she was little, Erica has always appreciated the value of asking sincere religious questions. Unfortunately, she has experienced a variety of responses to her questions, some of which made her feel like perhaps she didn’t belong in the church. Erica shares how her relationships with others have been both challenged and ultimately strengthened as she has learned how to use the process of seeking answers to her questions to develop her relationship with her Heavenly Parents.

FULL INTERVIEW:

Faith is Not Blind: We’re glad that you’re here. We’ve talked a lot about questions and the difficulty with questions, but this story is about the difficulty that we have with other people responding to the way that we ask questions and that can be uncomfortable.We want to help people with that and we will get there. But let’s back up a little bit and and talk about before you went through those questions and that part of your life–and I think is it’s okay if it’s a continual part. But before you got there, what was your experience like in the church with your family and in your early sort of primary and young women years?

Erica: I grew up in Salt Lake City so it was a predominantly Latter Day Saint environment. Big wards. There weren’t a lot of youth in my ward actually, but you know just everyone around me was a member of the church. My parents knew their children very well; they knew we were all very inquisitive. We were all really into academics, very career oriented and so we all kind of grew up asking so many questions. I remember going to church–I think I just graduated primary, so it’s probably 12 or 13, and I was in a Sunday school class and I don’t remember what the question was that it was something was just really bothering me and I felt like it just really didn’t make sense. And so I was raising my hand and asking and it pertained to the subject matter of the class, but the teacher just shut me down and said you know you really just need to have more faith, you know you need to pray about it and that was as a 13 year old–that was not satisfying. So I remember going home and asking my parents that question and they sat me down and facilitated an open conversation and were really able to soothe that storm raging inside of me.

FINB: So there was a contrast between how your questions were perceived and received at church and at treated at home? So how did you navigate that so that you felt like you could still go to church and feel safe asking questions?

Erica: A lot of times I didn’t want to go to church. I remember there was one time when I was so frustrated at church that I walked out. I think it was like my 15th birthday and I asked a question and I just was shut down and members of the class were like, “Erica why do you always ask questions? Why are you so disruptive?”  And I left. I was like fine, if you don’t want me in the church I’ll leave. And my mom came after me actually and said, “You know why it’s important to go to church because it’s not about them. It’s about God. So come back. You can sit by me and you don’t have to talk to anybody else. We can talk about your questions when we get home, but just like focus on your relationship with God. . And so that was kind of like the motto of my whole religious experience. It’s not about other people–it’s about your relationship with God. Because there are so many times when I felt like I was ostracized by the people in the community for asking questions or for thinking differently or for pointing to something in church doctrine or policy and saying I don’t agree with that and here’s why and  being told that I I don’t belong or that I should have more faith or pray more. So just I guess focusing on my relationship with God and not how other people are perceiving it. Which is way easier said than done.

FINB: I think sometimes the motive for the questions can make a difference and it sounds like you weren’t asking questions. It was about God. You weren’t trying to be disruptive. What was motivating you to ask the questions?

Erica:  I mean, I think it’s easy at least for me until I fall into a trap of like, “I’ve studied this more than they have, so let me ask a question to like trip them and get ‘em.” But really the motivation–like if you take a step back and think about what the motivation actually is–it really was just trying to feel at peace with your own religion. You know, in Utah everyone thinks they know everything about the church. I had a lot of non-member friends that would say, “Well, so-and-so’s a member of the church and they do this, and so-and-so thinks this way. What do you think?” So I felt like I really had to know what I believed. And just trying to figure out what I really did believe because sometimes it was contrary.

FINB: And with that motivation of asking questions so that you could really get to know God better, how did that make you feel to be ostracized?

Erica: Heartbreaking. It’s just heartbreaking. I mean, I remember I’ve always had kind of a difficult relationship with the Proclamation to the World on the family. When I was in Young Women’s and I was expressing to a leader that I really wanted to go into a certain career and I wanted to work. And she pulled up the Proclamation and said, “No. Women need to stay in the home.” And so I felt like my own religion was telling me different things than what my heart was telling me  and what my Patriarchal Blessing was telling me.  There’s just this dissonance that was created.

FINB: So there was dissonance between you and other people, but also sometimes what the perceived doctrine was. And with and with that example with the Proclamation on the Family, what did you learn that the Proclamation actually said? Because unfortunately what that later told you is is not what it said. It’s her interpretation. How did you learn to look more closely at the actual doctrine? Because it would have been easy for you to say, “Well, if that’s what that says then I’m out of here” or “I don’t I don’t want to do that” or to have that dissonance continue. How did you look more closely so that you could find reconciliation between your feelings and the Proclamation?

Erica: I mean, it’s taking me a while I think to find that reconciliation. For a long time I think I would just shut it out and say that I don’t I don’t want to talk about the Proclamation. I don’t agree with it. I think years even, I struggled teaching it on my mission. But I think studying it out with the intent of, I do want to know what this actually says rather than studying it out to find the things I disagree with, which is so much easier and sometimes it’s even gratifying. Like, yeah,  I disagree. I get this fire raging, but in the end that doesn’t lead me anywhere. In the last few months I’ve been able to study it out and think, “Okay, what is it actually saying?” I mean the proclamation says a lot about how individual circumstances can change. And then the focus in the church recently about personal revelation has been huge. And especially empowering women to have voices. I think finally now I can say I’m at a good place with it. Where like I can have it in my home. But there was a while where I thought, “That’s just something in the church I don’t agree with.”

FINB:  But that individual application is so important. Let’s talk about how even recently and after your mission it has been difficult to feel like you could comfortably be yourself. We to talk about applying the gospel to yourself and the proclamation talks about individual circumstances, but what conflicts have you found with trying to be your individual, faith-filled, question-asking self in adult relationships?

Erica: That’s a great question. I got home from my mission and was kind of in that you know that missionary bubble they talk about, where like you’re just so happy and everything is great. And then I felt like my missionary bubble popped pretty quickly when I was realizing that I still have all these questions and the church is complex and that life isn’t black and white. So I attend Brigham Young University and so I moved down to Provo. I was living with a mission companion and I started dating. A few months later I started dating a young man who I just was crazy about. We both valued intellectual conversations and we both liked the same things. I thought , “Okay, I’ve never been one to want to get married young, but if he’s the one, he’s the one”. So we kind of started talking about our future, But I remember General Conference came around and there were just some talks I really just struggled with. I might not have been in the best mindset listening to them, but there were some things that I felt like didn’t match up with my own personal belief. And as I was expressing it to him–and sometimes very headedly–he just really struggled to understand where I was coming from. I think he just had never come across somebody that questioned what the prophets were saying. And it was hard for him to understand that I still loved the prophet and I had no problems staying faithful. But he ended up breaking up with me over that and that was so hard because I felt like, “Great. Iif the man that I wanted to marry doesn’t even think I belong in the church then who am I to even think I should go to church? I still went, but I think something inside me just kind of snapped where it was like, “I don’t think I belong here. So that was really hard. But I kept going. Sometimes it becomes just like, “I have to go to church” and it’s what your friends are doing. But  deep down I really did believe, and so I kept going to church and I eventually was able to find my way back to those simple beliefs–the foundation of everything.

FINB:  How did you do that without feeling like you couldn’t be yourself?

Erica: I know. That’s so hard. I think reaching out to people and being really vulnerable about what I was going through. When you go through break up, everyone wants to know how you’re doing. S people would say, “Well, why did you guys break up? You were so happy.”  And I would just explain that we just don’t view the church in the same way. And some people that would go, “So one of you is losing your faith?”

FINB: It’s interesting that that’s the natural response–that one of you must have completely lost your faith.

Erica: Some people were saying that with the fact that you two broke up over the church must mean that one of you isn’t faithful. I wanted people to know I think we’re both faithful. It’s just that I have all these questions and I still love the church, but I’m not afraid to talk about it.

FINB: How did people respond to that? Because that’s a fairly nuanced way of thinking.

Erica: A lot of people were very sympathetic. But a lot of people I think were saying, “Well, you guys never would have been happy anyway, so I can understand why that happened.”  But it’s hard. It’s hard to hear. But yes, I think it is a pretty new idea. But talking to people, I realized that there were a lot of people in the same boat that just weren’t as vocal about their experience.

FINB: Did you being vocal help them vocalize it as well?

Erica: Yeah. I had a roommate that said, “I’ve never thought about these things before until I met you and I realized that church is a lot more complex than we think. It’s not just the primary answers, and within the primary answers there is nuance. I definitely think it helped people for me to be vocal about it and also helped me kind of heal from hurt of being almost betrayed.

FINB: Will you share what happened in that relationship?

Erica: Whenever I talk about the relationship in the context of the story of how we broke up, people are always shocked it worked out. What happened was that there was a change in the temple endowment ceremony and I heard about it. I’ve always loved the temple and so once I heard about the change–I think it happened January 1st– I was at the temple January 2nd.

FINB: There were a lot of people at the temple on January 2nd. That’s what happens.

Erica: So I went and I just felt so validated, almost like I was hoping for change and struggling with concepts and then there was change. It can happen! And I think sometimes because there hasn’t been a lot of structural change within the church since the 1950’s we’ve kind of been lulled into the sense of “this is the doctrine.” And so the fact that there was change was just so validating to me and it was very healing. So I actually posted on Instagram and I just posted a picture of the temple and shared how for years I’ve I really struggled with the church but I’m still here and I love God and I love the prophet and today I was really reminded of know how beautiful the gospel is and that we can hope for change and it’s okay to hope for change.  And so the boy that I was dating actually saw my post and I think it really hit him that it’s okay to ask questions and hope for change. So we actually ended getting back into contact and talking to each other and working through some things. And that was about a year ago and we’re actually engaged.

FINB: When you think about the restoration. . . I mean, maybe the changes have slowed down, but when you think about the number of changes that were constantly happening in the early years and that our church is built on change and restoration, how wonderful that this relationship could be restored.

Erica:  it I think it was good for me to have somebody that hadn’t questioned too much because he would kind of calm me down and and point out my motivation and say, “Erica why are you so angry about this? Let’s talk about what about it makes you upset.” I do credit a lot of where I am now spiritually to him. So he learned to ask more questions, but I’ve also learned to almost like be okay with not having an answer question. It’s a good partnership.

FINB: You mentioned the word “partnership.” In the Proclamation on the Family if there’s a phrase in there that says “as equal partners” and that can mean a lot of different things based on the couple. But let me ask you one last question. You mentioned that with the experience in the temple that you saw the beauty and the hope even with the questions. Not despite the questions but with them. How would you recommend that people who have questions can have a Spirit of Hope even when things might seem hopeless?

Erica: Yeah. For me, I had to hold on to the things that I understood. I knew that God the Father existed. I’d had personal experiences with Heavenly Mother. I had a good relationship with Jesus Christ. So holding on to that and thinking, “Okay, my heavenly parents and the Savior know where I am and they know what I’m thinking and they still love me.” So with that foundation I was able to go forward and ask the questions. If I hadn’t had that foundation I definitely think I would have left the church.

FINB: How wonderful that your mom’s advice is ringing true. You did make it about God. And that’s what it’s all about. Thank you for your example. I hope that people will feel like they can ask questions and vocalize them and find beautiful relationships in the process.

Erica: It’s hard. It’s so hard. But when you only make it past the hurt and the anger, and you realize that it’s about God, it’s it’s way better place to be.

FINB: Congratulations and keep it up. Thank you.