Reconciling: Becoming One Again
What does it look and feel like to be reconciled–not only with fellow Saints, but also with God?
“Be reconciled unto God through the Atonement of Christ” says Jacob of old. Reconciliation in so many dimensions is a huge part of the experience of those returning to Church.
After experiencing miracles and spiritual confirmations, one might think that gathering again and reconnecting with other members would be fairly easy. Experiences suggest otherwise. Although joy and sweetness is a part of people’s experiences coming back to Church, it’s not often what is felt early on at first.
Turbulence inside. Tami Havey described being a “nervous wreck” as she contemplated showing up at sacrament meeting again – worried that people would be shocked to see her. “You have no idea how terrifying it is to come back to church. I almost threw up the first time. I’m not kidding. I had such sweaty palms that I was grateful for a hug rather than a handshake.”
So many others shared similar worries. Letitia admitted being “so afraid to walk through the door that very first time.” And about her first trip back to Church, Robyn Burkinshaw said, “ I gathered my strength…I was terrified…I sat hiding in the corner, hoping that nobody would see or notice me” (5). Abby Olsen remembers “stand[ing] in a lonely, terrifying place” (10) and Kathleen Flake admits, “I was filled with foreboding.” (11) Elaine left church in “fury and confusion” (12)
Wow. Why would anyone want to go back if that’s how you’re feeling?
Because of what you feel next. Peace. Joy. Connection. All the good stuff.
And yet, the emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return are fascinating – and not just related to people at church. Letitia adds, “I was nervous about having my first personal prayer and kind of building on that again” and Christiane Woerner recounted her emotion as she just told her to her Bishop – “I cried and cried as I talked about the last 26 years of my life” (14)
Speaking of her family at home, Pam Shorr said, “I knew if I decided to go back to the Church, it was going to be hard. I was a little worried about Jack’s reaction. I had received his blessing right before we got married, but he really didn’t know a whole lot about Latter-day Saints because I had never been active during our courtship and early marriage, and he didn’t know what a commitment to the Church of Jesus Christ requires.”
Letitia missing the feeling she used to have, “I knew what it was, but I didn’t quite want to face it yet. So for a long time I was, like, ‘Oh, okay. I’m going to go to church this week’. And Because I worked shift work, I would quite often be working on Sunday. So, I’d be like ‘On my next Sunday off I’m going to go’, but then of course Sunday comes and you’re like ‘oh I can’t face it’. That fact of just walking through that door was really difficult to face so it took me a long time to get to the point of, yeah, I’m going to walk through that door.” (39)
Why was it hard to arrive there? She continued, “I guess I was feeling that perhaps I would be judged, that people wouldn’t welcome me back. ‘Why are you coming back now?’…And perhaps I just didn’t feel, like, worthy, and knew that if I did come back this was going to be a lot of work. (39) “Even with the previous burning in my breast,” Rachel Bodily said, “I was nervous to fully become a member. In my sinful life, I was cool, in every sense of the word. The last step of my conversion was to shed my pride and ‘coolness.’” (15)
Although wanting to come back, Jamie Pon also spoke of a hesitance “because I was afraid of criticisms from others…. members might think that I was not worthy enough to come back to the Church or they might think that I had done something wrong. These heavy thoughts triggered my worries and I was reluctant to return.”
Letitia ventured, “I think sometimes we don’t appreciate that. The difficulty of coming back, the difficulty of return. I mean, we look at the story of the Prodigal Son, and he’s welcomed with a big feast and a party, but that’s not always what happens.” She continued, “I mean the first time I came back to church I was thinking like, ‘I’m just going to creep into sacrament meeting, sit at the back, and see how I feel–see if I want to be here, see if it’s what I think it’s going to be. And, I remember I walked in and it was all the other way. It was the primary presentation. So it was all back to front. So basically someone must have said to the sister missionaries, `Oh, there’s someone new. Do you want to go and talk to them?’”
They told me that sacrament was now at a later time. They said, “Why don’t you come into Relief Society?” So I was, ‘oh my gosh!… Do I really want to go to Relief Society?’ It is a much smaller room so you couldn’t really hide.” After summarizing, “There’s all this anxiety built up, it’s a small room, you’ve got all these women,” she joked, “ Well, and we call it the Relief Society, but sometimes especially for people coming back it is more like the ‘Anxiety Society.’’” (39)
Some of the language we referenced earlier in our discussions of departure can complicate matters. Eric explores elsewhere how “the Church” and “gospel” can be differentiated in a way that casts “the Church” as somehow contrasting with – or even antithetical – to “the pure message of Jesus” (the gospel). That strong distinction seems to ease and soften as people return.
Accompanying the anxiety is a natural wondering about belonging. As Rachel put it, “I often refer to myself as the misfit toy, feeling like I’ve never belonged anywhere” (15)
Hands reached out still. Olivia Foo Fung Leung Luk recollects how “For the whole time when I was less active, my visiting teachers continued to pay a visit. Every time when they came I gave them an excuse—such as I was busy, I had to take care of my kids, I had to work, etc.—my visiting teachers did not give up.” As her ministering sisters had told her “whenever I have time, I can bring my sons to church on Sunday” eventually it happened: “After that I started to bring my sons to church every Sunday. On the first Sunday I returned to church I received a friendship basket during Relief Society. I was welcomed by other sisters and felt a sense of belonging. Sometimes my mother-in-law came to church with me. She had the chance to interact with members. Even though sometimes she heard our neighbors saying that our church was a cult and people there were not friendly, she told me that people in the Church are actually very polite and show respect to others.” (16)
We can feel fearful to do anything more than share love – worrying that an invitation or encouragement will offend. But that is exactly what some people need. Reflecting on her mother, Jamie said, “I was glad that she shared her feelings with me because she showed me that I had a special place in her heart. I was touched by her honesty and bold invitation to return to church. I promised her I would return.” (21)
Rachel Bodily similarly said, “The most effective effort they made was to invite me to everything under the sun that was church related. Everyone in the ward warmly welcomed me to these events despite my church activity or membership. Then they invited my son Pratt to go on Pioneer Trek. Of course, I had heard of Trek and, at the time, thought it the most ridiculous way to honor our pioneer heritage. But Pratt really wanted to go so I conceded.”
Connected as much as you can be. Sometimes even when not feeling able to fully participate, some individuals do what they can. Kathleen Flake describes “periodically drop[ping] in on a ward meeting” during a time when she was “living like a Gentile.” As she described it, “I thought of it as taking my pulse, trying to ascertain if it was time to do something about this unfinished business.”
During one of her drop-ins, she was asked if she would teach one of the Gospel Doctrine classes every other week. She continues the story:
I was thunderstruck with a mixture of foreboding and chagrin. Chagrin because, notwithstanding my studied expectation that God would call for an accounting, I had never expected this. I was filled with foreboding because I had no confidence that I was ready to act within the structure of the Church. Yet I knew this calling could not be rejected. Not that I didn’t try. What ensued was a dialogue as strange as the one in Oakland. I asked:
“Does the bishop know about this?”
“Yes, it was his idea.”
“Does the bishop even know who I am?”
“Yes.”
“No, what I mean is, does the bishop know how I live my life?”
“Well, it never came up.”
I tried to reposition my argument: “Will I have to change how I live my life?”
“He didn’t say you did.”
I could feel myself trapped, straining at the net. I thought surely at some point he will set limits I can’t abide that will make him withdraw the offer or justify my rejecting it. But there it stood. I couldn’t give up yet though. “Do I have to attend any meetings besides Sunday School on the week I teach?”
“No.”
“Do I have to be sustained?”
“Yes, but you don’t have to be present.”
“Do I have to be set apart?”
“Yes, but we can do it privately here.”
I felt drawn and just short of being quartered. Because I knew this was the Lord’s handiwork and because I could not give up the hope of “someday” fitting in the Church, I had to accept this call.
Kathleen clarified, “In the year that followed I continued to resist any other involvement with the institution and to respond as purely as possible to the promptings of the Spirit. What I eventually had to do, of course, was to change my life to conform to the law of the Church. I don’t want to cause any confusion about that. I now understand that, paradoxically, this was accomplished by giving me an opportunity to use my gifts without any demands from the Church’s structure.” (11)
Even without feeling able to participate in their wards, Tina and Tom’s paying of tithing is another great example of doing what they could when not feeling otherwise able to participate.
Welcome to come…no matter what. Both Tina Richerson and Tom Christofferson would pay tithing, even while being estranged in other ways. And something very similar happened as a result.
As Tina describes it, “I didn’t fill out the slips there. I would go in, grab some envelopes and some slips, slide my tithing under the door and get out of there as quickly as possible. Just like, in and out, boom.” But as she continued, “this particular Sunday I slipped it under the door and the bishop, the new bishop, pops his head out and is like, ‘You! Who are you? What are you doing? Where do you come from?’ He was just so earnest, so curious. He wanted to talk: ‘I’m just really curious. Nobody pays their tithing who doesn’t come to church.’ He was so befuddled and he was just so earnest.”
So Tina made an appointment to meet with him and was surprised to learn the Bishop played the saxophone like she did. Talk of music evolved to her sharing about growing up in the church and being homosexual. And the bishop said, “Well, look the door is open to you any time. Feel free to come to church and you can bring your girlfriend too.”
Yeah, I was so shocked. I was like, What??? You just said I could bring my girlfriend to church? Did they change the Bishop’s Handbook? What’s going on? What happened? It’s been 9 years since I’ve attended church and this guy is inviting me to bring my girlfriend to church.
Tom Christofferson describes finding the local ward and began attending sacrament meeting, sitting in the back and then quietly slipping away as soon as it was over. And even though he was no longer a member, he began paying fast offerings. “One month with my donation, I included a little note that said, ‘Bishop, you don’t know me, but can I come and visit with you?’ And I got a call from him asking me to come to his house. A few nights later, I went over to his house and had that first conversation. I said, ‘Look, I’m gay. I have a partner, and we’re committed to each other. But I want to know if I could come to church and be welcome there.’ He immediately answered, ‘Absolutely. And bring your partner with you. We want to know you.’” Christofferson and his partner became a welcome addition to the ward. “They were willing to extend their hearts and minds and open their arms to anybody who wanted to be there and worship with them.” (41)
Led by the hand. Others describe being led by the hand from priesthood leaders – Rachel Bodily relates, “this bishop who had only held the position for a month was the perfect man to help me do so. His ignorance in the exactness of his calling was exactly what I needed. His love, gentleness, understanding and compassion toward me brought me deeper into my testimony and my desire to shed my ‘cool’ persona and walk with God as I saw him and so many other ward members do.” (15)
Sometimes this outreach can come in ways you didn’t expect or even plan on. Even after working through worries about her husband’s reaction, Pam admitted, “I didn’t know where the Mormon Church was in Beaverton. I looked up the address but I couldn’t figure out where it was located. I wasn’t even sure which ward I was in. I didn’t know any Mormons. I thought, ‘The only way to resolve this is to pray about it.’ While I was saying the prayer, I thought to myself, “All right, this is it. No turning back now. This is going to happen because prayers are answered.”
She continues:
The next week I got a newsletter from the Beaverton 1st Ward. I thought, “A newsletter? Wow! That is a quick answer to a prayer!” The following week I got a phone call from the Relief Society president of our ward, Ann. She said, “I just had a feeling I needed to call you. You’re on the no-contact list, and if you really prefer no contact, please let me know.” I told her that I wanted to talk, so she came to my house, and I told her that I was having these strong feelings that I should go back to church. Ann said, “I just couldn’t get your name out of my head. Every time I looked at the names on the no-contact list, your name just glowed. I had to call you.” I said, “You were inspired. I would like to work my way back into the Church, but I’m terrified.” (18)
In and through all this, members of the Church, at their best, bear witness of God reaching to us all – a reaching also directly felt by these individuals. As Robyn Burkinshaw emphasized, “He kept reaching.” It was that “reaching, and reaching, and reaching” (7) that helped her return from where she had been.
Sometimes those places can be really dark – with help from others crucial.
And sometimes the process of return can involve some painful, even excruciating, decisions.
When reconciliation brings separation. As Tom Christofferson describes, “When the time came that I was worthy and wanted to again become a member of the Church, after months of conversation, my partner’s generous desire was that I should follow whatever path I felt would be the one of greatest happiness for me.” He reflects, “He had reason to feel that I had chosen the Church over him, and yet he was willing to support my decision despite its cost in his life. I can think of no higher tribute to pay to his selflessness and love.” (41)
As Tom was rebaptized and experienced a new intimacy with his faith, he also experienced the end of his 19-year relationship. The pain of the new separation was real, right along the sweetness of the newfound intimacy.
As her own intimate relationship ended, Tina spoke of a “new freedom that allowed her “so much space to feel the Spirit, which is the awesome filler of everything, right? It just gave me more mental space, more spiritual space to be calm.” She remarked on how good it felt – and how the sweetness of these times helped her endure harder things that also came: “It felt so good and the Lord just filled me with his spirit all the time. I was so happy.” Yet she added, “There were definitely hard, hard days. But I didn’t try and solve it. I didn’t try and fix it. I said – great, I’m just going to love whatever is going through me right now because that’s what the Lord would do and that’s what I’ve been practicing the past several years living my life.” (2)
The sweetness of what comes next is reassuring to many who shared their stories.
Embraced. When she did show up, Tami said she couldn’t leave after the sacrament meeting because this time, there was a circle of friends giving her hugs and she couldn’t get away: “A lot of people came up to me that first Sunday back . . . there were so many that hugged me and told me how happy they were to see me. And that made all the difference in the world.” (2)
Robyn Burkinshaw described what happened after pushing through her own trepidation:
My first step was I think talking myself into it. I hadn’t stepped into a church for over 20 years and that was a pretty daunting experience. It took me until January of 2015, and one Sunday I gathered my strength and found the one skirt that I owned in the back of the closet that I hadn’t even thought about for years, and traipsed myself to sacrament meeting. I was terrified. I walked in the doors and sat in the back. It was fast and testimony meeting, the first Sunday in January, and I sat hiding in the corner, hoping that nobody would see or notice me. During fast and testimony meeting I felt compelled to bear my testimony about the Plan of Salvation and the fact that I didn’t know anything about anything, but that I was grateful that Heavenly Father had instituted a way for us to be together. From there I all but ran to the door. I was mobbed by members of that ward who wanted to know who I was and what I was and where was I going and why was I going so quickly.
Even with this initial embrace, it took Robin “a couple of months of going” for her to “really commit.” (7) Letitia described seeing “people I knew from when I was at church twenty years ago” and how “They all came up and welcomed me, and it was all very nice.” Combined with the spirit felt in a Relief Society meeting, she came home and thought, “okay I think I want to do this.” (39)
She added, “It’s just like you’re afraid to walk through the door that very first time, but when you do and then you realize everybody is so nice and welcoming, you’re, like, ‘Oh my gosh! Why have I wasted all this time?’ ‘Why did I worry about it?’” (39)
These kinds of sweet, fresh experiences with members can begin to disconfirm the old pain and trauma – including sadness, frustration or fear about being “judged.” Janice Esplin Oviatt recalls how “The sisters in the ward always gave me a hug which embarrassed me because I knew I smelt like smoke. They never seemed to notice.” (9)
Rachel, the woman who expressed feeling like a “misfit toy” described how “word got out” about her newfound testimony – and how members reached out to personally invite her to meetings and “welcomed me with open arms and hearts.” She admitted, “At first, I felt awkward, and just couldn’t see where my place might be among my ward sisters. I regularly worried they would judge me.”
Yet, she continued, “Slowly my shame dissolved and because of their reassurance and lack of judgment, I felt loved, valued, and accepted as myself. I realized I wasn’t defined by my past mistakes but welcomed as a daughter of God whose gifts were wanted and needed.” (15)
Rachel elaborated on her experience in that and subsequent wards: “the outpouring of kindness and service has been astounding!”
The smiles in the hallway. The sweet introductions on my first days and weeks of attending church. The thoughtful gestures of help of any kind. My ministering sisters coming and welcoming me by answering questions or bringing me an inspirational quote. Loving notes placed on my door by someone anonymous. Considerate texts just to check in and see how I was doing. And best of all, sisters taking the time to make “healthy” chocolates for me making sure they knew my diet restrictions! All these things were part of the foundation I could build on to feel safe and secure within the framework of something that ultimately felt so daunting and difficult. You see, it has been the small, simple things that have made all difference.
She concluded, “My heart is so full of gratitude for everyone in my families—ward and personal—who could unconditionally love me. My experience has shown me that charity is the key that unlocks the heart of the wayward son or daughter or lost soul. Charity is the gift of loving someone despite the choices they are making or life they are living.” (4)
Tami said, “When you see someone walk through the chapel doors that has been gone for a really long time or has struggled, don’t ignore them. Don’t sit in your seat and listen to the prelude. Don’t just look at them. Get up and go hug them, and tell them how happy you are to see them. Put your arms around them and tell them that they matter and that you’re happy that they’re here. Offer them a place to sit next to you.” (2)
There is love, and there is…well, this! One single mother described moving back to Utah and being told by more than one woman at church, “Stay away from my husband.” And I’m like, “Who’s your husband?”
She was baffled at being seen as a threat – and needless to say, didn’t feel quite accepted. In one ward where she was feeling very ostracized, one of the women in the ward called and asked, “What are you doing on Tuesday at 1?” I got really excited because I thought, okay, finally someone’s going to invite me to go do something. I said, “Oh, I have to work but I will be done by 2 or 2:30?” She’s like, “Oh shoot. Because a bunch of us are going to lunch and I needed a babysitter.”
Sadly, this was not an anomaly, “I have a dozen more stories like that I could share.” (17)
There are reasons we need lots of reminders to keep repenting and doing better as a community.
It’s not just members that sometimes struggle to understand.
Unhappy friends. Leticia admitted that she had friends “that were very unhappy” with her decision to return. “I had one particular friend that was very unhappy about me coming back to church. I kind of did understand her point of view. Here she has this friend and we do all this stuff together, and now suddenly she’s going to church and her whole perspective has changed, and she’s a different person. So that was hard for her.”
She described how this friend was proactive about running some resistance on her decision: “She did a bit of research, as well. When I went online to have a look to see what it says about the church, it was so very negative. So, , we would have conversations and I’d try to put her mind at ease and tell her what was happening and why I was doing it and, , the questions that she had about the church, about tithing and other things. So, yeah, that was hard. It did kind of get to the point of ‘Is this friendship going to have to go because she’s very upset and she can’t seem to handle it?’ But, we were honest with one another and we were able to work through that and come through the other side. Now, she kind of respects me…and the friendship is still there.” (39)
Tina also spoke of resistance from friends:
I think the biggest challenge is when people question why I’m celibate and they act as if it’s a just phase. Or that I’m hiding behind the Church in a way that makes me less authentic. Or when my gay friends are like, “What are you doing hanging with the Mormons?” So, that’s hard. That’s actually lessening up now. I think the hardest part is when my gay friends question my happiness. When they can’t believe that I’m happy and joyful. Even though they meet me and see that I’m a happy person, they can’t believe that God would ever support a person being happy in being celibate. Everyone just assumes that you can’t be happy unless you are in a relationship and that maybe that is true for some people, I just feel better not being in a relationship.
Letitia’s mother also felt wary, but “because she met a lot of my friends from church, they would come around to see her, and we would do things together. Invite them around and what have you. So, she kind of got to know them, and saw ‘oh yeah’ they’re nice people. They’re good people. They’re not weird, as people might like to think we are sometimes. So ,yeah, and when I went back to church, I think she was quite happy. She was, like, ‘Oh that’s really good’” (39)
The sweetness of returning home. Pam Shorr recounted: It took me about a year to get the courage to actually attend the ward. Once I went back, I was so excited. I loved conference. I remember calling my mom and dad and saying, “You guys will not believe this, but I’m going back to church.” And they said, “You’re not going to believe this, but we are too.” (18)
Kristi described “The beautiful Sunday” her daughter and she “walked into our ward’s chapel for Sacrament meeting was one of the best and most memorable of my life. As I sat in the pew, listening to the sacred hymns, with my daughter smiling by my side, I knew with complete certainty that I was home.”
She went on to speak of relishing temple prep and experiencing her entering the temple as “one of the most profound days of my life” (13)
GIVING AGAIN
Kristi Novac described her gratitude in accepting a Relief Society calling, “which has allowed me to get to know the women of our ward—and in so doing, I met a whole sisterhood who have supported and loved me as I became an active, involved member of our congregation.” (13)
Pam Shorr spoke of the faith needed to say, “Yes, I can do that. It’s going to be really hard, but I can do that.” She continued, “Or if you get a list of people to visit teach who are difficult you need the faith to say, ‘Yes, I can do this,’ even if what you’re being asked is a little scary or uncomfortable” – adding, “I learned that service is really the key to everything, and I like it now! I like every aspect of the Church. I like callings, visiting teaching, having visiting teachers–all of the things that I didn’t like before.” (18)
Pam reflects, “Even though I’ve attended church by myself pretty much my entire life, I have rarely felt alone. I feel like I am fulfilling an important calling. I am more aware of people who sit alone or people who are new or people who look unhappy, because I’ve been there, and I will sit next to them and introduce myself. I don’t go to church now and think, “Oh, I’m sitting alone,” because it’s not all about me. Now I think, “What can I do to help others?” I’ve just grown. It’s about time.” (18)
Elaine said, “I think I have a unique calling because I feel the broken-hearted, and I understand how the rescued people are just as capable of receiving revelation as the “ninety and nine.” Especially in a non-Priesthood holder family, I know I have access to God’s power and I am not denied (thank you President Nelson). I am a daughter of God, and I am never alone. We are all equal in his eyes. (12)
Rachel Bodily suggests, “Our part as ward family members and within our homes is to always have hope. To believe the Lord can and will perform a miracle in your life or the life of your loved one. Pray always for them. Put their names in the temple. Reach out always and be the serving, helping, loving hand they need to feel the safety and support to change.” (15)
THE DIVERSE BODY OF CHRIST
Joel Tippets emphasized, “The body of Christ needs all the parts. Let not the hand say unto… the sphincter?… I have no need of thee. Yes, we need unity. And yes, we need diversity. Yin and yang.”
And Tina Richerson said, “If we try to live up to some ridiculous idea of perfection we totally miss grace, we completely miss grace. Grace is something we need to embrace; the Lord knows us, and He doesn’t want us to be like everyone else. He didn’t make us to be like everyone else. We’re all individuals and he needs us to do his work to build up Zion to strengthen and edify each other. We are all part of the same body but if the body is walking around with the knee thinking it’s supposed to be the nose or the head thinking it’s supposed to be the shoulder… You can’t do your job if you think you are supposed to be something else. Just find out who you are in the Lord and make your space in the Church.”
A HIGHER RECONCILIATION
Ultimately, the reconciliation of the Saints reflects a larger reconciliation with the divine. As Brenna Kelley clarified, “it wasn’t people that brought me back to the church. It wasn’t quotes from conference talks on Facebook or other people’s testimonies. It was the ‘closeness.’” (35)
After acknowledging long grappling over questions of gender, Kathleen Flake wrote, “Finally, one day having escaped to the Blue Ridge at a Yoga retreat, I sat meditating upon the conflicts which I tolerated, even fostered, in my life in my attempt to ward off the threat I felt from the institution of the Church. It came to me as surely as any revelation I have ever received that, if I truly wanted to know God the Mother and be called her daughter, I would have to conform myself to the law of the gospel and make peace with her Son’s church. I bowed to this necessity and in doing so found the pillar to my faith.” She continued:
In the few months from the time I submitted to his will and traveled the distance from the bar to the temple without so much as a touch of vertigo, Christ has cared for me with a sweet genius I cannot adequately describe. It was in those days of learning him that I found the thing upon which my life could be ordered in such a way as to bear all the old and some new stresses. It is, I think, this pillar that will remain standing into eternity, years after other parts of my temple have worn away. It is most simply and ambiguously stated as the love of God. I fear this answer will disappoint you. That you would have me say something that sounds less sentimental, more exotic. Or, maybe I’m the one who is embarrassed to be talking this way after all the years of intellectual pyrotechnics. Nevertheless, I must say unequivocally, with John, that God is defined by the love he offers us and that this love is enough, his grace is sufficient….Just as surely as pillars surrounding the memorial to Thomas Jefferson securely hold the marble canopy high over his head, creating a secure womb-like world, so also the love of God as manifest in his Son shelters the life that is submitted to him. The strength provided by this peace is sufficient to withstand the cruelest neglect and to bear the weight of the most obnoxious of public judgments. (11)
Rather than a warm and singular embrace into the collective body of Christ, these narratives make clear the more iterative, complex, and up-and-down nature of even the experience of reconciliation. Initial and ongoing anxiety may be assuaged by hands reaching out to help, support and guide. Yet while people find a welcoming embrace from many members, occasionally they find judgment. When they experience a new intimacy in serving and communing again with ward members, they also may experience acute new separation and judgment from former friends outside of the Church. Through it all, the sweetness of a deepening communion from God, however, leads them on.
