The anxiety that surfaced repeatedly in the narratives was surprising, but we can learn a great deal from it, especially as we consider how much people who are returning to Church dearly want to feel accepted and loved . . . The feelings of confusion and even grief are absolutely vital to acknowledge as we study the myriad of nuanced feelings that our narrators experienced during their journey.
by Sarah d’Evegnée
The emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return in these narratives are fascinating. One might expect to see highly emotional responses and largely negative diction when our narrators describe their departure. After all, what they experienced caused them to leave something they had once loved. Many of our narrators felt anger, bitterness, and sadness when making the choice to leave the Church and these intense emotions were part of what led them to make the ultimate choice to leave.
But the language used in these narratives invites us to consider more complex possibilities. And these possibilities invite us to act with more compassion. Woerner talks about leaving the Church in “fury and confusion.” Notice the intriguing juxtaposition of the adjectives there. Woerner openly admits that she was angry, but there’s much more to her experience that that. Her “confusion” is just as important as the “fury” because it indicates the wide spectrum of emotions that accompany the exodus. Rarely do our narrators simply experience one emotion during their journey away from the church, but often as outsiders we may only see the anger. The feelings of confusion mixed with other emotions like grief are absolutely vital to acknowledge as we study the myriad of nuanced feelings that our narrators experienced during their journey.
Rachel makes this telling comment: “I often refer to myself as the misfit toy, feeling like I’ve never belonged anywhere” (emphasis added). Note the sadness that surrounds this description of why she chose to leave the Church. This idea of belonging is intriguing because it becomes a sort of double-edged sword that creates both inclusion and exclusion. The idea of “belonging” to the church is one we often reference casually in conversations and popular Primary songs, but in these narratives, the anxiety about not being able to “fit in” is one that shows how intensely they want to be included, accepted, and welcomed. When the narrators were active in the church, they felt a kind of security, a kind of inclusion. But when they made the deliberate choice to leave, it reflects a conclusion that they never really “belonged” or were part of the accepted group.
In these narratives, the emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return are often fraught with both anxiety and shame. As mentioned earlier, these negative, fear-based emotions might be expected in the sections about exodus, but it was surprising and sobering to see how much guilt and pain could be associated with the reconversion process.
In many of the narratives, it is this feeling of loneliness that stands out in the story in both the deconversion and the reconversion sections – marking the stories with lingering sadness and grief.
In these narratives, the emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return are often fraught with both anxiety and shame. As mentioned earlier, these negative, fear-based emotions might be expected in the sections about exodus, but it was surprising and sobering to see how much guilt and pain could be associated with the reconversion process.
These narratives about returning to Church can seem rare. In fact, some of our narrators felt like they were the first ones to ever make the choice to come back to church, so in many ways they didn’t always feel they had any set patterns to follow as they made the decision to return to church. It’s important to pay attention to the way they express their feelings in order to understand not only how they felt, but how we can help others to come back as well.
The fact that our narrators sometimes felt alone in their reconversion journey also helps to see how important it is to share these narratives and to learn from them.
Much of the language used when describing the decision to return to faith and Church activity is laden with emotion that parallels the intensity of what was felt during the exodus. The fact that our narrators sometimes felt alone in their reconversion journey also helps to see how important it is to share these narratives and to learn from them.
Despite the descriptions of the renewal of their faith and the rekindling of their spirituality, one of the emotions that showed up in many accounts as people consider next steps they’ll take is anxiety. The anxiety that surfaced repeatedly in the narratives was surprising, but we can learn a great deal from it, especially as we consider how much people who are returning to Church dearly want to feel accepted and loved.
As we examined the language used by the narrators, we noticed how many of them use adjectives associated with fear as they describe even contemplating returning to church. When the narrators didn’t feel like they “belonged” in the church anymore, it made them feel like outsiders. In other words, when they didn’t “belong” to the church, they perceived that they were somehow an “other” rather than a part of the larger group. Even when they themselves had made the choice to leave, some felt like they not only didn’t “belong” to the church, but many of them didn’t even feel welcome inside a church building
Letitia sums up how many of the narrators felt when she describes what it felt like to come back to church the first time after her departure: says so vividly, “It’s like you’re so afraid to walk through the door that very first time.” Notice the emphasis on being “so afraid” and how much anxiety is associated with simply crossing the threshold into the building. Unfortunately, many outside observers may not fully realize the courage that is required for people who have stepped away from church services for an extended period of time when they act on their feelings of reconversion. When attending church after her long absence, Tami describes being a “nervous wreck.” and Joyce says that when she went back to church the first time, “I gathered my strength” and even says, “I was terrified.” These profound, intensely emotional descriptions mirror the intense emotions that they felt when they left the Church. Olsen describes the return to church this way: “I sat hiding in the corner, hoping that nobody would see or notice me” and mentions having to “stand in a lonely, terrifying place.” The use of the word “hiding” shows the type of shame that she was experiencing during her return journey, almost as if she doesn’t feel like she should be allowed to be at Church so she has to hide. Rather than indicating confidence in their choice to return, the language indicates strong, fear-based emotions. The examples go on and on. Kathleen Flake says, “I was filled with foreboding” and then describes it as “a mixture of foreboding and chagrin.” Elaine describes being at church and how she, “cried and cried as I talked about the last 26 years of my life.” Again, the intensity of anxiety and the emotions behind these words can help us visualize the tears and the worry that surfaced even before these narrators re-entered the church building for the first time since their departure.
Becoming aware of the kind of deep-seated angst that often accompanies the choice to come back is one way to help extend a hand of sympathy and love to those who have left. And reaching out to those who may be experiencing this kind of anxiety can increase the possibility of allowing more of those who have left the church the possibility of returning.
Even if the narrators had experienced profound spiritual experiences that caused them to decide to return, many of them also had to work through some intense worries and fears when they decided to come back to church. These honest, vulnerable descriptions may surprise readers who have never experienced these kinds of emotions when going to church, but it is important to note how much courage was required for many of our narrators to make the transition back to a life of full activity in the Church. Letitia explains her anxiety with these words: “I guess I was feeling that perhaps I would be judged, that people wouldn’t welcome me back,” but then she adds, “And perhaps I didn’t feel worthy.” The term “worthy” is an interesting choice, especially considering that she is simply describing attending a Church meeting – suggesting that she was as afraid of her own worthiness as she was of being judged by others.
In some cases, it seems that even praying again for the first time after a period of not praying can be accompanied by anxiety and shame. Letitia says, “I was nervous about having my first personal prayer and kind of building on that again.” These feelings of inadequacy indicate how alienated and anxious the narrators are about not only returning to Church, but also returning to a relationship with God. Becoming aware of the kind of deep-seated angst that often accompanies the choice to come back is one way to help extend a hand of sympathy and love to those who have left. And reaching out to those who may be experiencing this kind of anxiety can increase the possibility of allowing more of those who have left the church the possibility of returning.
The anxiety-based rhetoric that surfaced again and again in the narratives was surprising, but we can learn a great deal from it, especially as we consider how much people who are returning to Church are desperate to feel accepted and loved . . . The feelings of confusion and even grief are absolutely vital to acknowledge as we study the myriad of nuanced feelings that our narrators experienced during their journey.
by Sarah d’Evegnée
The emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return in these narratives are fascinating. One might expect to see highly emotional responses and largely negative diction when our narrators describe their departure. After all, what they experienced caused them to leave something they had once loved. Many of our narrators felt anger, bitterness, and sadness when making the choice to leave the Church and these intense emotions were part of what led them to make the ultimate choice to leave.
But the language used in these narratives invites us to consider more complex possibilities. And these possibilities invite us to act with more compassion. Woerner talks about leaving the Church in “fury and confusion.” Notice the intriguing juxtaposition of the adjectives there. Woerner openly admits that he was angry, but there’s much more to his experience that that. His “confusion” is just as important as the “fury” because it indicates the wide spectrum of emotions that accompany the exodus. Rarely do our narrators simply experience one emotion during their journey away from the church, but often as outsiders we may only see the anger. The feelings of confusion and even grief are absolutely vital to acknowledge as we study the myriad of nuanced feelings that our narrators experienced during their journey.
Rachel makes this telling comment: “I often refer to myself as the misfit toy, feeling like I’ve never belonged anywhere” (emphasis added). Note the sadness that surrounds this description of why she chose to leave the Church. This idea of belonging is intriguing because it becomes a sort of double-edged sword that creates both inclusion and exclusion. The idea of “belonging” to the church is one we often reference casually in conversations and popular Primary songs, but in these narratives, the anxiety about not being able to “fit in” is one that shows how desperately they want to be included, accepted, and welcomed. When the narrators were active in the church, they felt a kind of security, a kind of inclusion. But when they made the deliberate choice to leave, it was like they were admitting to themselves and to the Church that they never really “belonged” or were part of the accepted group.
In these narratives, the emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return are often fraught with both anxiety and shame. As mentioned earlier, these negative, fear-based emotions might be expected in the sections about exodus, but it was surprising and sobering to see how much guilt and self-loathing was associated with the reconversion process.
In many of the narratives, it is this persistent feeling of loneliness that stands out in the story in both the deconversion and the reconversion sections. This loneliness seems to permeate their whole narrative, steeping the stories in a kind of sadness, a kind of grief.
In these narratives, the emotions that accompany both the exodus and the return are often fraught with both anxiety and shame. As mentioned earlier, these negative, fear-based emotions might be expected in the sections about exodus, but it was surprising and sobering to see how much guilt and self-loathing was associated with the reconversion process.
These narratives about returning to Church are rare. In fact, some of our narrators felt like they were the first ones to ever make the choice to come back to church, so in many ways they didn’t have any set patterns to follow as they made the decision to return to church. It’s important to pay attention to the way they express their feelings in order to understand not only how they felt, but how we can help others to come back as well.
The fact that our narrators felt so alone in their reconversion journey also helps to see how important it is to share these narratives and to learn from them.
Much of the language used when describing the decision to return to faith and return to the Church is laden with emotion that parallels the intensity of what was felt during the exodus. The fact that our narrators felt so alone in their reconversion journey also helps to see how important it is to share these narratives and to learn from them.
Despite the descriptions of the renewal of their faith and the rekindling of their spirituality, one of the overarching emotions that frames the way many of the narrators talk about the next steps they’ll take after they have rediscovered their faith is anxiety. The anxiety-based rhetoric that surfaced again and again in the narratives was surprising, but we can learn a great deal from it, especially as we consider how much people who are returning to Church are desperate to feel accepted and loved.
As we examined the language used by the narrators, we noticed how many of them use adjectives associated with fear as they describe even contemplating returning to church. When the narrators didn’t feel like they “belonged” in the church anymore, it made them feel like outsiders. In other words, when they didn’t “belong” to the church, they perceived that they were somehow an “other” rather than a part of the larger group. Even when they themselves had made the choice to leave, they felt like they not only didn’t “belong” to the church, many of them didn’t even feel welcome inside a church building
Letitia sums up how many of the narrators felt when she describes what it felt like to come back to church the first time after her departure: says so vividly, “It’s like you’re so afraid to walk through the door that very first time.” Notice the emphasis on being “so afraid” and how much anxiety is associated with simply crossing the threshold into the building. Unfortunately, many outside observers may not fully realize the courage that is required for people who have stepped away from church services for an extended period of time when they act on their feelings of reconversion. When attending church after her long absence, Tami describes being a “nervous wreck.” and Joyce says that when she went back to church the first time, “I gathered my strength” and even says, “I was terrified.” These profound, intensely emotional descriptions mirror the intense emotions that they felt when they left the Church. Olsen describes the return to church this way: “I sat hiding in the corner, hoping that nobody would see or notice me” and mentions having to “stand in a lonely, terrifying place.” The use of the word “hiding” shows the type of shame that she was experiencing during her return journey, almost as if she doesn’t feel like she should be allowed to be at Church so she has to hide. Rather than indicating confidence in their choice to return, the language indicates strong, fear-based emotions. The examples go on and on. Kathleen Flake says, “I was filled with foreboding” and then describes it as “a mixture of foreboding and chagrin.” Elaine describes being at church and how she, “cried and cried as I talked about the last 26 years of my life.” Again, the intensity of anxiety and the emotions behind these words can help us visualize the tears and the worry that surfaced even before these narrators re-entered the church building for the first time since their departure.
Becoming aware of the kind of deep-seated angst that often accompanies the choice to come back is one way to help extend a hand of sympathy and love to those who have left. And reaching out to those who may be experiencing this kind of anxiety can increase the possibility of allowing more of those who have left the church the possibility of returning.
Even if the narrators had experienced profound spiritual experiences that caused them to decide to return, many of them also felt intense feelings of fear when they decided to come back to church. These honest, vulnerable descriptions may surprise readers who have never experienced these kinds of emotions when going to church, but it is important to note how much courage was required for many of our narrators to make the transition back to a life of full activity in the Church. Letitia explains her anxiety with these words: “I guess I was feeling that perhaps I would be judged, that people wouldn’t welcome me back,” but then she adds, “And perhaps I didn’t feel worthy.” The term “worthy” is an interesting choice, especially considering that she is simply describing attending a Church meeting. This also indicates that she was as afraid of her own worthiness as she was of being judged by others.
In some cases, it seems that even praying again for the first time after a period of not praying is accompanied by anxiety and shame. Letitia says, “I was nervous about having my first personal prayer and kind of building on that again.” These feelings of inadequacy indicate how alienated and anxious the narrators are about not only returning to Church, but also returning to a relationship with God. Becoming aware of the kind of deep-seated angst that often accompanies the choice to come back is one way to help extend a hand of sympathy and love to those who have left. And reaching out to those who may be experiencing this kind of anxiety can increase the possibility of allowing more of those who have left the church the possibility of returning.
